Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Not So Good News

Things did not turn out so well in the adoption situation. I had such hopes that I could finally, after three long years, have a child or children as part of our family. But it seems it isn't meant to be.

The situation I wrote about in my last post with the respite for the two children not only didn't work out, it ended up with my husband and I being called liars and everyone angry at us.

The initial meeting with these children was with me, the adoption counselor, the pre adoptive mom, and the kids. We met at my house, so the kids could meet me and my kids and get used to the surroundings. We met for over 3 hours. I was a little concerned when most of the meeting was about the pre adoptive mom and no one told me any information or was able to answer my questions, but I chalked it up to her bad situation. By the end of the meeting, the agreement was for us to take the kids starting Saturday until Tuesday. Then we would take them again for a longer periods of time until the pre adoptive mom had a chance to make up her mind about the adoption and we had a chance to get to know the kids.

Well, she dropped them off Saturday without car seats, medical cards or even so much as telling us their last names. We coped the best we could, going out and buying all the supplies they needed ourselves. We tried to keep them busy all weekend running in the yard, going to McDonald's, and having as much fun as we could fit in.

Then, come Sunday night, the pre adoptive mom calls and tells us she is not coming back to get the kids. We were floored. We called the adoption counselor and explained what had happened. We were told, "Well, aren't you were interested in adopting?" After a series of phone calls and emails, it was decided that the pre adoptive mom would come back as planned on Tuesday. On Tuesday she did show up but she was very angry. She came, grabbed the kids and left.

I contacted the adoption counselor and asked what was happening. She explained that the pre adoptive mom could never have abandoned the kids like we told her and that we were wrong by not taking the kids on permanently. I explained that a day and a half was not long enough to decide if we were a good fit (the agency promotes a good fit ad nauseum in their trainings), and she kept implying we were wrong not to take the kids. I also asked why we didn't get any support with this situation and she again said we were wrong and that she did support us.

My husband was pretty upset by this whole conversation and decided to contact the director of the agency. She listened to him, had me send all the relevant emails between us and the counselor, then never contacted us again. My husband emailed her yesterday after waiting a week and she told him that we were liars (it was all "miscommunication") and that the counselor did everything right. She refused to allow us to change counselors, saying this counselor is the only one who does matching (we know there are two) and basically blew us off. So much for being the best adoption agency in Pittsburgh.

So ends our adoption attempts. My husband keeps saying we should try again with another agency, but that means starting all over from the beginning with trainings, CPR certifications, clearances, letters of reference, home inspections and all the stacks of forms you have to fill out. I just can't bring myself to go through it all again, just to sit and hope. It's time to count my blessings and move on. It breaks my heart and I can't stop crying about it, but sometimes you just have to know when it's over. And it's over.


Anonymous said...

I am just so sorry things turned out the way they did with this situation. That agency should be turned over to the Better Business Burea or the State Attorney General's Office for investigation. It sounds to me like they just are in it for the fees or something. How awful for you and your family. I know you must feel so let down but I think everything that happens, happens for a reason and in the future you will know why you had to go through this. Thanks for sharing your news even if it is not so good. It always helps to be able to share. Love and hugs, Judy

Sweetflutterbys3 said...

Judy, I can't thank you enough for your support. I think that is the first smile that I've had in days after reading your post.

You are right, someday it will be made clear why this all happened. For now, all our family can do is pray for the kids and hope they make it through and end up with a great family.

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

Oh my god, that is horrible Mary Ann! I am so mad for what happened to you! No wonder why people are adopting from other countries. And here you were, willing to take TWO children who were not infants. I hate for you to give up. But I totally understand. I'd be fuming and disgusted. Such unnecessary aggravation when you should be getting praised to kingdom come! Maybe you'll cool down, recoup, and think about it another time. I'm so sorry.

Sweetflutterbys3 said...

Thank you Debi. That is sweet of you to say. I hate to give up too. Kurt and I keep wrestling with it and the only thing that keeps us from trying again is the hurt our kids went through with this. They are having dreams about it and still feel very sad. I don't want to put them through this all again, and I think that agency won't be seeing anything wrong in what they did, so it could happen again.

Thanks so much for your support. I feel better knowing that I'm not the crazy one!

CountryDew said...

I am very sorry to hear of these troubles. What a nightmare for you and your family - not to mention those poor kids. I have long thought the adoption process here was broken, probably beyond repair, as I have heard horror stories about it and our own flirtations with adoption - over 20 years ago - did not go well. But we never went through the entire process, giving up pretty soon when we realized how things were. I hope you will find peace with your decision, whatever it may ultimately be, and I applaud you for thinking of giving a needy child a home. Best wishes to you and your family.

Sweetflutterbys3 said...

Thank you Anita. You are so right, the system is broken. I feel so horrible for the kids caught up in such a mess. If anyone was ever looking for a cause to champion, fixing the adoption system would be at the top.

I had no idea you thought about adoption. I am sorry your experience was like ours, a big disappointment. But you have a kind heart to even have considered it.

Beth said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this, Mary Ann! (Just now catching up on posts.) How awful for both your family and for those poor children...and such a shame that good people like you are being treated like this. I'm with Judy...I think you should complain to the State Attorney General. It's just not right for them to treat folks like this. And in the end, the children are deprived of the chance to be with truly loving families. I am so sorry.

Sweetflutterbys3 said...

Thank you Beth so much for your support. It is so heartbreaking to go through this process only to learn that the system prevents the very thing they are trying to promote- a safe home for the kids. The kids are the victims here, being caught up in all the game playing that goes on with the adults. All I can do now is pray for the kids and try to get some answers from those in goverment that are supposed to care.